How to Win Friends and Influence Peopleby Dale Carnegie Published 01 Oct 1998
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Since its release in 1936, How to Win Friends and Influence People has sold more than 15 million copies. Dale Carnegie's first book is a timeless bestseller, packed with rock-solid advice that has carried thousands of now famous people up the ladder of success in their business and personal lives.
As relevant as ever before, Dale Carnegie's principles endure, and will help you achieve your maximum potential in the complex and competitive modern age.
Learn the six ways to make people like you, the twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking, and the nine ways to change people without arousing resentment.
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" Reviews
Utter dreck! Anyone who thinks this book offers important wise advice on friendship is an idiot.
Dale Carnegie was nothing but a huckstering sophist, and a very repulsive one at that. For those of you who may not know, Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People is a handbook on how to exploit friendship for the sake of financial and political gain. Now fans of this book (why such people are allowed to read, much less vote, I do not know) will say this book helped them overcome their shyness and make real friendships. But Dale Carnegie is not interested in real friendship. His only concern is to exploit friendship for financial and political gain. One need not be Einstein to know this. One need only read all the garish claims on the back of the book (I have an earlier edition than the one usually found in bookstores today) such as, say, "Increase your earning power" "(Carnegie's book will) [m]ake you a better salesman, a better executive." If the book were really about true friendship, as its many lobotomized fans insist, then one would expect the blurbs to claim that the book will make the reader a better friend, not a better salesman. A true friend cares about his friends, but a salesman cares about his profit, and if friendship come between him and his profit, then so much for friendship. Dale Carnegie's groupies are utterly oblivious to his promotion of such shameless exploitation, which is as obvious as a communal bedpan.
And they are also utterly oblivious to historical facts. Had they some historical knowledge, then these sycophants-in-training surely would have read Dale Carnegie's pilpul with slightly less pollyannish gullibility. For instance, if they knew anything about the Age of the Robber Barons, they might have found Dale Carnegie's depiction of Andrew Carnegie as a man truly concerned for the lot of his fellow man a bit hard to stomach.
Sure, Andrew Carnegie smiled a lot and presented a friendly appearance to the press and public, and that was enough for Dale. Dale--like all other sophists, politicians, and prostitutes--cared only for appearances, but underneath the accommodating demeanor of Andrew Carnegie was a heart as hard as the steel his factories forged. Andrew Carnegie would publicly declare his support for rights of the worker and yet let his Manager Frick hire Pinkerton Guards to massacre the union workers. Andrew Carnegie would snatch good PR with his various philanthropies but also poured much of his money into the American Eugenics Movement which managed to get laws passed all over this country that mandated the sterilization of cripples like me. American Eugenics also had a profound influence upon German Eugenics, an influence which one can see documented in the minutes of The Nuremberg Trials. I hope even Carnegie groupies are not that ignorant not to know that influence, however nice, pleasant, and smiling it may be, is bad when it leads to genocide.
Yet, I suspect those who swear by this book will continue to have nothing but admiration for Dale Carnegie, whose sycophantic adulation for the ruthless rich who killed off unionized workers and funded the genocide of the weak should offend, repel, and disgust anyone with even a modicum of human thought and decency. Carnegie fans are idiots.
This book had a profound effect on me, however, of the negative variety. It did give me pointers on how to actually break out of my shell and "win friends" but in the long term, it did way more harm than good. Not the book per se, but my choice to follow the advice given there. The book basically tells you to be agreeable to everybody, find something to honestly like about them and compliment them on it, talk about their interests only and, practically, act like a people pleaser all the time.
It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people.
I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book *could* be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn.
If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run.
Thank you for reading this review.
:قبل أن تشرع في قراءة الكتاب, هناك ملاحظات أحبذ اعتبارها في حساباتك
1- السلوكيات والنصائح الواردة لا يعتمد عليها بالكلية للحصول على أصدقاء من أقرانك, فلكي يقبلك أحدهم كصديق في علاقة طويلة المدى يجب أن تكون شخصاً ذا ثقل, ويحمل مميزات مادية مفيدة تجعله يحتاجك دائماً, وإذا فقدت هذه الميزات فستنطفئ علاقته بك تدريجياً حتى وإن لم يكن يقصد هو ذلك؛ لذا فالعمل على تنمية مهاراتك هو حجر الأساس.
2- يجب أن تبدو السلوكيات التي تنفذها بمظهر السلوكيات المخلصة, فالناس لا يحبون الرياء والمداهنة؛ فذلك يظهرك غالباً كنصاب يعاملهم كأغبياء, وفي أحسن الأحوال تظهر بمظهر النصاب فقط, وفي كل الأحوال سيتلاشى مجهودك المبذول على هذه السلوكيات. وبصفتي الشخصية, لي صديق يحاول دائماً تنفيذ سلوكيات كالمذكورة في الكتاب كإظهار الاهتمام بما يثير اهتمامي, ولكنه لا يفعلها بإخلاص غالباً, فيتحول الأمر إلى مدعاة للشفقة.
3- السلوكيات الواردة ليست بتعاويذ سحرية, فضلاً عن أنها معروفة وقديمة قدم الأزل, ولكن لا يستخدمها الناس عادة في أمورهم اليومية لارتفاع تكلفة الجهد المبذول فيها مقابل العائد البسيط منها نظراً لأن معظم الأشخاص الذين نقابلهم لا فائدة منهم على الإطلاق. وعندما نحتاج أحد هذه السلوكيات لتخطي ورطة مع أحد الأشخاص, تتوه الحلول مننا, وإن وجدناها فليس بمقدورنا تنفيذ ما لم نتعود على فعله تنفيذاً يبدو جيداً. وعليه, فالأعلام الوارد ذكرهم في الكتاب كعباقرة في التعامل مع الناس مثل "روزفلت", يستثمرون جهود ضخمة لتمويل شعبيتهم وسط الناس, وبهذا أصل من جديد إلى إن العبقرية هي مقدرة على الصبر/الاجتهاد.
ليس لدي الصبر على كل تلك المشاق لتلقي مشاعر الناس, ومن الجيد أنه ليس لدي رغبة عميقة في استزادة مقدرتي على معاملة الناس بحكم شخصيتي الـ"INTJ-T"
.. وعليه نويت استخدام الكتاب كمرجع, في حال إن تورطت في علاقة مع أحد البشر.
4-"moral high ground fags" ككل الكتب التي تتحدث عن سلوك البشر وكيفية استغلاله, لا ينصح به للسادة الـ .
5- استخدمه باعتدال, فمعظم السلوكيات تعتمد في تأثيرها على قلة تنفيذ الآخرين لها, وإذ أنت أغرقت الجميع بها, فسوف يتبدد تأثيرها ككل شيء متوفر بسهولة من حولهم مهما كان أهمية ما تقوم به لهم. خذ الماء والهواء كمثال وعبرة.
ترجمة "عبد الله محمد الزيادي" عن "دار الندوة الجديدة" اللبنانية ترجمة جيدة جداً... ترجمة العنوان الرئيسي لـ "كيف تختار الأصدقاء" غير موفق, والعنوان الفرعي "كيف تؤثر في الناس" أكثر تعبيراً عن الكتاب.
هناك ترجمات أخرى متوفرة, ولكني لم أطلع عليها.
تماماً ككتاب "دع القلق وتعلم الحياة", يسرد كارنجي الكثير من القصص الحقيقية المسلية لتوضيح نصائحه, ولإعطاء أمثلة عملية نستطيع استغلالها في حياتنا. أذكر منهم قصتان, والأولى منهما تصرفت فيها قليلاً:
"إن معظم الشبان الراغبين في الزواج لا يهمهم أن تكون الزوجة المنشودة ربة بيت من الطراز الأول بقدر ما يهمهم أن تشبع غرورهم, وتمنحهم الإحساس بالأهمية والاعتبار!"
ولعل هذا هو السر في أن أكثر الفتيات المثقفات يخفقن في الحصول على الأزواج, فإنك قد تدعو الفتاة المثقفة للغداء معك , فلا تلبث أن تتركك وقد تحمست لدراسة التيارات الهامة في الفلسفة المعاصرة - مثلاً- وماذا تكون النتيجة؟ تتناول غداءها بعد ذلك بلا رفيق.
ولكنك قد تدعو إلى الغداء فتاة تعمل على الآلة الكاتبة ولم تدرس قط في الجامعة, فلا تلبث أن تثبت نظرها عليك, وتقول لك: "حدثني عن نفسك" وماذا تكون النتيجة؟ سوف تشعر بالأمان في صحبتها, وسوف تقول حتماً في لأصحابك: "صحيح إنها ليست على قدر كبير من الجمال, ولكني ارتحت لها!"
منذ وقت قصير, وقع صديق لي في غرام فتاة لم يلبث أن خطبها, وبعد قليل من خطبته, رغبت إليه خطيبته في أن يتعلم الرقص فاستجاب لرغبتها. قال لي وهو يروي القصة:
"... والله يعلم أنني كنت في أمس الحاجة إلى دروس الرقص. كنت قد تعلمت الرقص منذ نحو عشرين سنة, فلما عدت إليه, عدت كما بدأته, وقد صارحتني المدرسة الأولى التي قصدت إليها, بهذه الحقيقة سافرة, قالت لي لي إنني على خطأ بيّن, وإنه يجب أن أنسى ما تعلمته في الماضي وأن أبدأ من جديد! ولكن هذا اقتضاني مجهوداً كبيراً, ولم يكن لدي دافع يدفعني إلى مواصلة التعليم فتركتها!.
"ولعل المعلمة الثانية كذبت علي, ولكني فضلتها! قالت لي إن رقصي قديم العهد بعض الشيء, ولكن المبادئ في جوهرها صحيحة. وأكدت أنني لن ألقى عناء في تعلم بعض الخطوات الجديدة.
"لقد بثت المعلمة الأولى اليأس في نفسي بتأكيدها لأخطائي, أما الثانية فقد فعلت العكس تماماً: امتدحت الشيء الوحيد الصحيح في رقصي, وهونت كثيراً من شأن أخطائي.
وكانت لا تفتأ تقول لي: إن لك أذناً موسيقية .. إنك راقص موهوب.
"وبرغم إيماني بأنني كنت – وسأظل – راقصاً من الدرجة الرابعة, إلا أنني كنت أتشكك أحيانا وأقول لنفسي : ربما كانت تعني ما تقول!. والواقع أنني كنت أنقدها المال بسبب ما تواليني به من تشجيع وتقدير!"
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Dale Carnegie is a quintessentially American type. He is like George F. Babbitt come to life—except considerably smarter. And here he presents us with the Bible for the American secular religion: capitalism with a smile.
In a series of short chapters, Carnegie lays out a philosophy of human interaction. The tenets of this philosophy are very simple. People are selfish, prideful, and sensitive creatures. To get along with people you need to direct your actions towards their egos. To make people like you, compliment them, talk in terms of their wants, make them feel important, smile big, and remember their name. If you want to persuade somebody, don’t argue, and never contradict them; instead, be friendly, emphasize the things you agree on, get them to do most of the talking, and let them take credit for every bright idea.
The most common criticism lodged at this book is that it teaches manipulation, not genuine friendship. Well, I agree that this book doesn’t teach how to achieve genuine intimacy with people. A real friendship requires some self-expression, and self-expression is not part of Carnegie’s system. As another reviewer points out, if you use this mindset to try to get real friends, you’ll end up in highly unsatisfying relationships. Good friends aren't like difficult customers; they are people you can argue with and vent to, people who you don't have to impress.
Nevertheless, I think it’s not accurate to say that Carnegie is teaching manipulation. Manipulation is when you get somebody to do something against their own interests; but Carnegie’s whole system is directed towards getting others to see that their self-interest is aligned with yours. This is what I meant by calling him the prophet of “capitalism with a smile,” since his philosophy is built on the notion that, most of the time, people can do business with each other that is mutually beneficial. He never advocates being duplicitous: “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.”
Maybe what puts people off is his somewhat cynical view of human nature. He sees people as inherently selfish creatures who are obsessed with their own wants; egotists with a fragile sense of self-esteem: “People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner.”
Well, maybe it's just because I am an American, but this conception of human nature feels quite accurate to me. Even the nicest people are absorbed with their own desires, troubles, and opinions. Indeed, the only reason that it’s easy to forget that other people are preoccupied with their own priorities is because we are so preoccupied with our own that it’s hard to imagine anyone thinks otherwise. The other day, for example, I ran into my neighbor, a wonderfully nice woman, who immediately proceeded to unload all her recent troubles on me while scarcely asking me a single question. This isn’t because she is bad or selfish, but because she’s human and wanted a listening ear. I don’t see anything wrong with it.
In any case, I think this book is worth reading just for its historical value. As one of the first and most successful examples of the self-help genre, it is an illuminating document. Already in this book, we have what I call “Self-Help Miracle Stories”—you know, the stories about somebody applying the lessons from this book and achieving a complete life turnaround. Although the author always insists the stories are real, the effect is often comical: “Jim applied this lesson, and his customer was so happy he named his first-born son after him!” “Rebecca impressed her boss so much that he wrote her a check for one million dollars on the spot!” “Frank did such a good job at the meeting that one of his clients bought him a Ferrari, and another one offered him his daughter in marriage!” (These are only slight exaggerations.)
Because of this book’s age, the writing is quaint and charming. Take, for example, this piece of advice on how to get the most out of the book: “Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.” A lively game! How utterly delightful.
Probably this book would be far more effective if Carnegie included some exercises instead of focusing on anecdotes. But then again, it would be far less enjoyable reading in that case, since the anecdotes are told with such verve and pep (to quote Babbitt). And I think we could all use a little more pep in our lives.
Dale, saying people's names often when you're talking to them, Dale, doesn't make you popular, Dale, it makes you sound like a patronizing creep.
This book is probably really handy when you're trying to befriend kindergarteners, not as much adults. It's also aimed at salespeople and not regular humans.
A well written book with a lot of examples, including many of good folks from the history and many without any citation, but none-the-less seem real. The examples are written so that the message goes across well. Repetition is avoided. The stuff mentioned is pretty obvious and simple, but important and often ignored. Worth reading multiple times as the preface recommends.
105 SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
PRINCIPLE 2: Smile
PRINCIPLE 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
PRINCIPLE 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other person feel important–and do it sincerely.
110 You cannot win an argument
Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle. Don’t forget this lesson!
I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will always resent your triumph and “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still…”
112 Which would you rather have, an academic theatrical victory or a person’s good will? You can seldom have both.
Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cute the bite.
114 How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
1. Welcome the disagreement: Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
2. Distrust your first instinctive impressions: Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not at your best.
3. Control your temper: Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
4. Listen first; Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend, or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
5. Look for areas of agreement: When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
6. Be honest: Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
7. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully: and mean it! Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
8. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest: Anyone who takes the time to adisagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
9. Postpone actions to give both sides time to think through the problem: Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear to preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions.
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, what the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.